Of masculinity & abusive breeding grounds.

Masculinity

I’ve been offline quite a lot the past week. It’s been a busy time at work and in my personal life as well. So I didn’t hear about the recent tragedy in Isla Vista until late Saturday evening, and the more I learn about it, the more sobering it is. Hännah Ettinger captures my feelings rather perfectly in her post from yesterday:

Yesterday’s shooting didn’t leave me as shaken as it should have, like other shooting that happened have. Virginia Tech, Sandy Hook, Aurora. Those haunt me in their very senselessness. The mystery of why. They’re unforgettable because the motives are unknowable.

Yesterday’s shooting made perfect sense

Dianna Anderson further expounds upon it in her essay “On Purity Culture, Violence Against Women, and Disbelief As Patriarchy:”

Men grow up in a culture that simultaneously tells them that “getting the girl” is some manly men do and that manhood is inextricably tied with violent acts. The Men’s Rights Movement, in its extremes, has developed a methodology of treating women as objects who exist either to give men sex or to undermine their deserved right to sex, children, and power. Being an “Alpha Male,” in Men’s Rights terminology, means being the manliest of men – which requires using women for sex, being the provider of the household, and asserting your rightful place at the top.

I’ve often commented to myself, when I read the work of complementarian ministers, especially those talking about manhood, that they sound like MRA’s. Especially in studying purity culture for my forthcoming book, I’ve come across biblical exegesis that sounds very like Men’s Rights discussion simply bathed in “biblical” justification. Owen Strachan’s famous post about “man fails,” for example, could easily be a post on the Men’s Rights subreddit.

In this drive to prove themselves as manly men, women become collateral damage. Three women die each day as the result of domestic violence [PDF]. Many more end up in emergency rooms. Some end up on the news, the victims of men they had rejected previously. This is not an isolated phenomenon. This pattern of violence is the result of a culture that says that only valuable thing about a woman is what she can do for men.

And “Biblical” evangelicals do not escape from this culture. Women in the purity movement serve as vessels for Christian children, as objects that must keep themselves pure for a father, a husband, and a specifically male God. There is no escaping the ways in which evangelical theology defines women solely by their relationships to men, objectifying them first as single women whose worth is determined by their sexual activity and then as wives, whose goodness as wives is determined by whether or not they can keep their virile, manly husband from “straying.”

I can’t help but see what Dianna noted here reflected in the assemblies.

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From “assembly girl” to feminist: learning my worth as a woman.

A variation of this image was designed by me and used for Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week earlier this year.

A variation of this image was designed by me using open-source images and used for Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week earlier this year.

“I really appreciate your spirit,” he told me.

I looked at him, a bit embarrassed and confused. “Thank you?” I replied and asked all at once. He chuckled good-naturedly.

“You’re not like these other girls — loud, giggly…honestly, a little shallow. A little vain. You’ve got a quiet spirit. You’re a thinker. You’re very tender to the voice of the Lord. I really appreciate that about you.”

I thanked him once more as he left me alone to continue writing in my journal in the empty conference room. He was one of the conference organizers, a man I’d known for almost 10 years and whom I looked up to greatly.

I thought back to a few summers before, when one of my male friends on staff at camp told me that he considered me to be the godliest girl there, then thought of the several preachers who regularly thanked me privately after their sermons for being so openly attentive, like Mary at the feet of Jesus.

Those comments all swirled around in my head, and I was suddenly very deeply humbled. I often felt that I was too brash, too opinionated, that I fell so far short of true godliness. But for that moment, I felt relieved that my dedication to obeying the Lord’s commands regarding women seemed to be evident.

It simply didn’t occur to me that despite the good intentions of these men, what they said was absolutely not a compliment.

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